Friday, July 31, 2009

Cheerios

Don't you just hate it when...





You have a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast, then you leave it lying around next to the computer all day, only to pass by it at 3 am, and you're torn between feeling guilty about leaving it there and cursing the rest of your family for being too lazy to pick it up, so you pick it up yourself and take it to the kitchen, then have a heated debate with yourself about whether you should wash it or just leave it lying there on the counter, then your stupid conscience kicks in, so you decide to wash it, only once you start scrubbing the bowl, you realize that the few pieces of Cheerios you haven't eaten are now solid rock and pretty much stuck to the bowl as if they are decorative embellishments, so you start scrubbing and scrubbing, because now it's a personal matter and those Cheerios are challenging your authority, and amidst all the anger you don't realize how much dishwashing liquid you've used, and how slippery the bowl has become, then there's this sinking feeling, something isn't quite right... because, suddenly, the bowl is slipping through your fingers after a particularly violent scrub, and is now flying through the air, slowly, slowly, then descending towards the ground, slowly, slowly, and then it hits the ceramic tiles and bursts into smithereens, and you close your eyes and tell yourself this isn't happening, and that when you open your eyes you'll be next to your computer, reliving that moment when you passed by the bowl, except this time you're thinking, nawh let someone else pick it up...
but when you open your eyes, the smithereens are still all over the floor, so you give yourself a little whack on the head, and start cleaning up the mess, sighing every now and then at how stupid you are, and lecturing your conscience about how it should pick on somebody its own size?



Yeh. I totally hate it too.



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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Adventures of Mean Evil Girl


I have the nicest friends ever. I don't deserve them.



Sunday


My friend Deema calls me and tells me to go out with her because she hasn't seen me in ages. And when I explain to her that I don't have a ride and that I have to work on my AP chemistry course, she goes on a rant:

"Danya! What the hell?! We haven't seen you since you've moved to that country of yours. Seriously, it's a country, not a city. You guys are so isolated it's like… Swine flu!"
"Ummm okay…"
"Hey do you know that Jenna and Dana got swine flu? They're in Switzerland."
"Oh wow, are you serious? Are they alright? It's not very bad, right?"
"Nah they just have to take pills and be isolated for a while and stuff."
"*snorts* Ahahaha"
"… I tell you that two people you know got swine flu, and you laugh? You're so mean."
"Nooo it's just… I just got that swine flu joke you made about where I live… It's so true."
"Ohhh… *snorts* ahahahaha."

So anyway. I promise her I'll wake up at 5:30 am the following day and catch a ride with my dad, since he is the only way out of Swine Flu Land. I tell her that he'll drop me off at her house on his way to work, and then I'll crash in her house.


Monday

2:30 pm

I wake up. Oops.

I send Deema a message:
"Ummm. This mean evil girl overslept and didn't wake up to go with her dad. She feels so bad and she's too scared to tell you, so I'm telling you for her. Please forgive her."

2 minutes later


"Are you kidding me? -_- Ya kalba! [Translation: You dog.] Tell the mean evil girl that this sad girl doesn't want to talk to her until she sees her face -_-"

… Fair enough.

9:30 pm

Mean Evil Girl realizes that she has an appointment the following day.

Correction: Two appointments, in a row. One at 7:30 am, the other at 8 am.

Mean Evil Girl's punishment for not waking up at 5:30 am on Monday:
She must wake up at 5:30 am on Tuesday.

*sigh* Karma. Gets you every time.

Mean Evil Girl realizes that this means she'll have to wait around in Aramco until 9 pm, when her father finishes work and the lecture he has to give. Mean Evil Girl is sitting on the horns of a dilemma, and things are getting quite painful. Mean Evil Girl crosses her fingers and sends Sad Girl a message, for Sad Girl is her only hope…...

"Hey Sad Girl. Mean Evil Girl is wondering: What are you doing tomorrow?"

4 minutes later
"What time… Evil Girl -_-?"

"8:30…. am?" *gulp*

"Well I have this lunch thing at 2 pm….. but I'm free afterwards?"

To which Danya - I mean, Mean Evil Girl, replies with an explanation of the little conundrum she is going through.


Sad Girl says that she will pick Mean Evil Girl up from the hospital at 8:30 am, have breakfast with her, then watch movies all day.

Mean Evil Girl is stunned. "But… what about your lunch plans?"

Sad Girl: "I just told them I can't make it."

Mean Evil Girl makes half-hearted attempts to convince Sad Girl to stick with her lunch plans, but Sad Girl insists. Mean Evil Girl yields to Sad Girl's demands….


Tuesday

Mean Evil Girl and Sad Girl have a blast.

They have breakfast at Pattis France.

They go back to Sad Girl's house and watch 17 Again (Lame. Very 13 Going on 30. And Zac Efron totally killed all Matthew Perry's attempts at saving the movie).

They go have lunch at Fuddrucker's.

They play in the kiddie arcade.



Then they go back to Sad Girl's house, talk about college, sleep, and talk about college.

Then Mean Evil Girl goes back to Swine Flu Land.



The End




P.S. On the swing carousel (or Chair-O-Planes?)

I discovered that I'm now afraid of heights.


P.P.S. Bonus! >> How do you wake up Lady GaGa in the morning?

















Answer:
Poke her face.




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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Never Again

“I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot”
~ Marilyn Monroe

Dear Marilyn:

You're quite right. We can't ever repay the debt we owe him. However, lately I've been known to show my appreciation towards people I love by strangling them with their own intestines. They always seem to get how much I care, once I do that – They turn blue with gratitude. Do give me a call if you're interested.
Sincerely,
Danya

-


So, folks, I quite obviously wore the heels.

I can't say it was awful, per se.
You be the judge.


30 minutes through the wedding:
My toes felt so scrunched up I worried I'd have to get them amputated.
This just proves my point, really:
Wearing heels is going against nature, and an unnatural position to put your body through.

3 hours through:
I'd stumbled quite often, but both my ankles are fine and unsprained :)

I did have an accident though. Well, two accidents, actually. Not my fault though. Well, the second one wasn't.

Accident #1

I tripped on my own feet (nothing new). I didn't fall, but my right foot's heel went into my left foot and left a deep gash there. It didn't hurt much, though……
Until…
Well, that brings us to Accident #2.

Accident #2

It was time for the buffet, and people were swarming around the salad bar like caged animals that were just set into the wild. This lady bumped into me (and not vice versa, I swear), and her salad-dressing-drenched spoon went flyyyying in the air……
I saw it all happen in slow motion, and I could honestly hear horror music playing in my head…...
Because the spoon was slowly descending…
Downwards…
Downwards……...
Towards my left foot……...
PLINK!
Right on the deep deep gash.

It burned like Dante's Inferno for around 5 minutes. But then I was fine.


5 hours through, at 3 am (welcome to the world of Saudi weddings):

I just couldn't care less. I kicked my heels off and passed out on a couch, jumping awake every 5 minutes when the kids kept throwing water-soaked roses at me.


I wish they didn't like me so much. I should start being mean to them.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Heel or Hell?

I have to go to a wedding tomorrow. And guess what?




I'm going to wear high heels.




And that's exactly what I told my friend.

Danya: Guess what?
Samar: What?
Danya: I'm going to wear heels.
Danya: Well, small heels.
Danya: But heels, nonetheless.
Samar: Noooo you'll trip!

SoI copy/pasted the first part into an MSN conversation with my friend Fati (because I was too lazy to type it again?)

And her reaction was a ":O" and a "Just try not to trip, okay?"



Feeling very discouraged, I went back to my conversation with Samar on Gmail.

Danya: I CAN ACTUALLY WALK IN THEM, OKAY?
Danya: WALK
Danya: AND NOT LOOK LIKE A DUCH
Danya: Ahem
Danya: Duck*
Samar: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Samar: DUUUUUCH
Samar: LMAOOOO


(Ah. Serious bouts of Typose Syndrome. What's one to do?)

So after she was done laughing at me and changing her Facebook status to "Samar salutes Danya the Duch," she again graced me with a loving, "Seriously, just try not to trip."



Man, I need to learn how to walk in heels. Or I will forever remain 73% of a man. (That's what the Facebook quiz I took said, anyway. I normally avoid these quizzes like the plague, but I was bored witless and wanted to see the results. 73% man! I am NOT satisfied!)



What's the point of high heels, really? How do women do it? How do they balance their weight on those tiny pointy little stick things? It just seems to defy gravity, to me.


Not that I'm a big believer in physics, but that's another story.



Once, I was at this party, right. And everyone –EVERYONE!- was wearing those scary sky-high heels, while I pranced around in my lil flats.

So anyway, past midnight, when everyone's feet were sore (except mine :]), they kicked off their heels and chillaxed on the chairs. (Chillaxed. I'm so hip it's scary.)

So anyway. I was all, "Y'all wanna laugh?"
They go, "Sure!"

So I wore one of my friend's high heels and attempted to walk.


But really I could get no further than the spot I was standing in, and I was just swaying there and nearly toppling over. But I kept standing - always a stubborn fighter – attempting to regain my balance – and dignity.





Unfortunately, I eventually lost both.



Do you think people offer How to Walk in High Heels lessons?







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Friday, July 17, 2009

The Worst Keep-in-Toucher

Something very strange is happening to me.

See, I've always been lazy. I don't know if I'm a procrastinator because I'm lazy, or I'm lazy because I'm a procrastinator……
Chicken before the egg or egg before the chicken, whatever - It's all the same.

The chicken is there and the egg is there.

I am lazy and I am a procrastinator.

But as of recently, this laziness has doubled, tripled, and multiplied at the rate of a pregnant rabbit on steroids…
To the point where I've morphed into a hermit.

I have people leaving me wall posts and messages on Facebook, pissed off at me for "never replying."

I have messages on my phone that I've never replied to, and some that I have, but only after a day or two (or three, or four, or five).

I have friends pleading with me to go out, but I never yield to their demands, because I don't feel like going out.
(Although I did go to Bahrain yesterday with my family. I saw the new Harry Potter movie. It was brilliant. But more on that later when more people have seen it and I won't spoil it for everyone).

See, I've been thinking…… (yes I do think; I don't want any of your snide comments, Summer)

I've been thinking:
It would be scarily easy for me to exclude myself from the outer world. All I'd have to do, really, is turn off my phone, deactivate my Facebook, and stop using MSN. And since we moved recently, only one of my friends knows my house number -and she's in London- and only about four people know where my house is.

I've been dubbed the worst Keep-in-Toucher. And although I tried to deny it first, I now know I'm very worthy of this title.

I just suck at this whole techno-world with a million and one ways to keep in touch… It's supposed to make things easier, but it really doesn't, for me. I talk and talk to loads of people; sometimes they beg me to shut up, and then it gets to a point where I'm having dozens of conversations with dozens of different people. Then it all gets so overwhelming, so I retreat into my silent little shell and relax there.

A really good friend of mine left a post on my wall (after I didn't reply to her for ages) saying:
"Am I that invisible???!"

And that really got to me. Because she isn't. And I hate it when people ignore me or take ages to reply to me. So why am I doing it, damn it?


I guess what I'm trying to say is: I'm really sorry, and it's nothing personal, it really is "me and not you." Except this isn't the clich├ęd break-up line; it's a make-up line, because I'm going to make it up to everyone who's mad at me at the moment.

Do leave a comment and let me know if you are. I know there's plenty of you and I have the memory span of a goldfish. No, shorter, apparently that goldfish myth has been busted and their memory span can last up to three months......



Ok here's where I'll stop rambling on – Not because I want to, but because our neighbor's security alarm system thing has gone off, and it's really really loud. You'd think someone was robbing the White House itself. It's very headache-brewing.

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Saturday, July 11, 2009

105 Things That Make Me Smile

Regina Spektor - Eet









105 Things That Make Me Smile
(Just to mention a few)




1. Smiles


2. Friends


3. When I'm in a movie and I find a piece of caramel popcorn in the middle of my butter popcorn


4. Sneezing when I really need to sneeze


5. Making someone else smile/laugh


6. Bubble wrap


7. Kiddie furniture catalogues


8. Flea markets


9. Reminiscing


8. Tree houses that people actually live in (I call them tree homes)









9. Old jeans


10. When someone remembers small details about me


11. Handmade gifts


12. Or just really meaningful ones


13. Comfortable silences


14. The smell of home cooked food


15. The sky


16. Old couples holding hands


17. Midnight phone calls that last for hours about the stupidest things


18. Sarcasm


19. Quotes (good ones)


20. Light


21. Tulips


22. Catching the perfect moment with my camera


23. Singing Barney songs or oldies that annoy people


24. Making a baby giggle


25. Realizing how much I love someone


26. Comments on the stupidest of my posts


27. Cheeky comments on Youtube


28. Receiving "just because" e-mails


29. Hearing a song I used to love when I was a kid on the radio


30. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer


31. Goggles (the word, the person, and the actual things)


32. Inside jokes that never die


33. Running through sprinklers


34. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about me


35. When a random person in the mall smiles at me


36. Cupcakes


37. Old Disney movies


38. Colored chalk


39. Sofana's dip


40. Lemony Snicket


41. Snow


42. Cheesecake


43. When something finally makes sense


44. Banksy


45. Open-minded people


46. When a baby wraps his hand around my finger


47. This:

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too..." F*** off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What should I eat, someone else's cake instead?

~ George Carlin



48. The Simpsons


49. Family Guy


50. This:

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, "Is it half full or half empty?" So I drank the water. No more problem.

~ Alexander Jodorowsky


51. Learning something new


52. Walking to no where in particular


53. Campfires


54. Sleeping in


55. The smell of a new book


56. Sunlight


57. Baby shoes


58. Take-out


59. Kids that say the darndest things:


Dana, Fati's sister:
(Their housekeeper was making us chicken burgers, when suddenly Dana walked in and said...)
"Danya, your buns are toasted."



Jennah, my cousin:
(First day I met her)
"Danya, your feet are pretty."
"I'm wearing shoes…"
"I know. They're still pretty :)"
"Thanks?"
(whispers in my ear):
"Just so you know, I'm not intimate with your foot."



Zeina, my sister:
(On the phone talking to her friend)
"But biology is geometry and geometry is psychology, you see."



60. Fighting with my brother and sister about the stupidest things in the car just because we're bored witless and making my dad say:

"My next car will have two stories……"




61. Baby giraffes


62. Baby zebras


63. Baby monkeys


64. Baby elephants


65. Oh I'll go ahead and say it: Babies. When they're not crying


66. Lunchboxes


67. Ladybugs


68. Typewriters






69. Blowing bubbles


70. Creative advertisements






71. Drawing on walls


72. People who wear the weirdest clothes in public. Cheers, I secretly want to be like you


73. Photographs


74. Happy endings. I don't care if they're cheesy or impossible. I don't see a movie because I want to see an adaptation of real life; I see a movie because I want to get away from it. So bring on the sappy lameness, I really don't mind.


75. Old sitcoms I used to watch when I was a kid. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Saved by the Bell, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Clueless....


76. Seinfeld


78. Scrubs


79. Being spoiled when I have stomach cramps


80. Being right


81. Remembering who a certain person looks like after racking my brain for ages


82. Dr. Suess


83. Dr. Pepper


84. Post-its

(a 100m wide photo)


86. Sour mangoes


87. Hand-written letters


88. Floating on my back in the swimming pool


89. Grilled sandwiches


90. The way a paper feels after it's been almost completely covered with writing from a ballpoint pen


91. Listening to my mom tell a bedtime story she made up on the spot


92. Not having to set an alarm


93. Going to bed with my sheets fresh from the laundry


94. Playing Slapjack with Alia


95. Photobooths (P.S. Fati you still didn't give me that Photobooth picture from Berlin)


96. Little kids with non-American accents


97. Chips (French fries) that are crunchy from the outside and soft on the inside


98. Adventures in Ikea


99. Vacuum lines in the carpet


100. Pretending to have a British accent


101. Writing things on foggy mirrors and watching them appear again the next time I take a bath

102. Large sweatshirts


103. These:
























104. This:





105.This:


When Love Story (Taylor Swift) meets Viva La Vida (Coldplay). Alone: two overrated songs. Combined: Something close to magical.


And I just love watching their faces. They look so happy it's kind of cute. Music at its rawest.




So that's it. 105 things that make me smile.


I now demand that you tell me (at least) 5 things that make you smile.


:)


%%%


Thursday, July 9, 2009

Small Note

For those of you sending me hate mail for turning off my phone.....
You know who you are.......... (Summer, JJ, Yasmine....)



For those of you still trying to reach me through my phone....



Umm..
Don't?



I kinda dropped it in the toilet.



Don't ask how.



R.I.P my widdle Sony Ericsson Z610i. Thank you for 3.5 amazing years. You will be missed.






P.S. Would it be completely pathetic if I bought the exact same phone?


Update!!!
IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
My phone never ceases to amaze me. The things it's been through! Falling into the sink, falling off a tree I was climbing, dropped too many times to mention... thrown at the wall in moments of frustration.... then swallowed by the toilet....
My god. I can almost hear it singing "I'm a survivorrrrr."
Or perhaps it's weeping because its most recent attempt at commiting suicide for the nth time has failed, once again.
Sorry baby. You're stuck with me for a while.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Hi


I'm sorry you missed it.





Didn't that cheer you right up though?




















They should give those out in malls.










Please buy me one. Birthday's on January 21st. You can send it in the mail. A baby Zebra is fine too. I think they're called Zeblings.








21st century Wizard of Oz.













Is that not the cutest thing?
You just went "aww" didn't you?
Admit it.









Apfffpshhhttt?




































"I just think happiness is what makes you pretty. Period. Happy people are beautiful."














































































Hope you're all enjoying your summer (:

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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Lick it off the floor

Today I had the most enjoyable lunch of my life.
With my family, believe it or not.

Our housekeeper went back to Indonesia on Friday, so we're going to see if we can live without a maid (I don't like that word) for a month. It should be very.. very interesting.

So anyway, to avoid having to clean anything she shouldn't have to clean, my mom said that anyone who spills a drink or something has to lick it off the floor/table. And I for one -being the pathologically uncoordinated klutz that I am- am really worried.
I know she doesn't mean it literally, but cleaning worries me too. Germs either way.
I mean the soggy mops and sponges that have been used over and over again….. they make my stomach churn.

In any case. I dared my brother Majd to drink my leftover Pepsi that I'd mixed with my leftover vegetable soup. He slammed his hand on the table and basically told me to put my riyal where my mouth was. I know that the secret to haggling is starting with a really low price so I said,
"Fine. I'll give you….. *mentally goes through purse* 5 riyals."
Majd: "Make it a 10 and we have a deal."
Danya: "Deal."
I felt like a real hustler.

So he drank it. And it was so funny I laughed till I cried. He started out okay, drinking it really fast… Suddenly his face went green and he spit something out. "Carrot," he gasped. Then he drank the remaining Liquid from Hell and only spit out a tiny bit because he felt like he had to throw up. Then he ran to the bathroom and I could hear him, all the way from the dining room, while he made weird gagging then gurgling noises. Yep, he definitely deserves those 10 riyals.
And yes, I concur, I do need to grow up.

So then we split the post-lunch duties between us. My mom took the dishes, my brother took clearing the table, I took cleaning the table, and the floor, and my dad took….
The TV.
("No, dad… Please… you're overworking yourself, this can't be good for your health. We must switch tasks, I insist!")

And my sister Zeina complained about not getting any tasks.
Suck up.
Nah, she genuinely wanted a task.
Weirdo.

So my evil genius of a brother decided to take advantage of that. He called her Agent Z One and told her to assist him in clearing the table (because it's such a daunting task, you know). So she started carrying the soup to the kitchen but she nearly dropped it after a few milliseconds, so Majd grabbed it and started walking, but he spilled loads on the floor.
"CRAP! NO! I don't want to lick it off the floor... I don't want to lick it off the floorrrr...."
He ran to the kitchen and got a cleaning towel sponge thing (I'm sure there's a fancy domestic name for it) and started violently scrubbing the floor. My dad saw him cleaning after the accident and followed him to the kitchen, where my mother was. Majd gave him pleading looks, but the mischievous look in my dad's eyes told me that Majd was already a goner.
"Majd?! You spilled soup on the floor?!" But my mom only laughed (damn shame).

So then it was my turn to wipe the table, but Zeina was being really annoying. "Let me help let me help let me help! Pleeeeeeeease. Pretty pretty pleeeeease with cherries and a Hannah Montana poster on top."
I had to get her off my back.
"Zeina... I mean, Agent Z1," I said. "I have a task of utmost significance. Can you handle it?"
She nodded eagerly.
"I need you to find.... my bunny-shaped night lamp." (Needless to say, I don't have one, but my sister is not the sharpest tool in the toolbox, so she ran off happily).

My brother was having the time of his life, watching Zeina being bossed around. He may laugh now, but when he was her age, my other brother Muayyad and I used to play the old Power of Fire trick on him whenever we were too lazy to get up and get something ourselves.
So for example, if we were watching Power Rangers, and we wanted some chips, we'd tell Majd to get us a bag of chips. He'd always decline at first, but then we'd say, in a bribe-y voice, "We'll give you The Power of Fiiiirrreee….."
"Okay okay!"
So then we'd basically point at a random spot on the floor and say:
"I hereby give you…….. THE POWER OF FIRE!"
Then he'd jump into it, receive The Power of Fire, then run as fast as he can to the kitchen, get us whatever we wanted, then come back.

Good times, good times.

Anyway, my sister came back with a frown on her face.
"I didn't find a bunny-shaped night lamp. Give me another task!"
"Oh… that's okay. But Zeina, I saw what you did back there."
"What?"
"Don't play mind games with me."
"What did I do?"
"Zeina *stern glare*"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." (looking guilty)
"Mmmmhm. Sorry for what?"
"I'm sorry I made fun of you."
"A-HA! You made fun of me. You're fired, agent Z1."
And so she stalked off, fuming.

God I amuse myself.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds

Lucky you; today you get music, photos, and quotes! Best combo ever. Beats Happy Meals.


Newton Faulkner - Dream Catch Me




(not the type of thing I usually like, but it's pretty cool, not to mention mood-matching)









The moment a little boy is concerned with which is a jay and which is a sparrow, he can no longer see the birds or hear them sing.

~Eric Berne

*I wish I can remember how I edited that photo, because I quite like it.








"There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
~ dunno














“It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.”

~ Henry Rollins












Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
~ Soren Kierkegaard












“Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I hope you never think about anything as much as I think about you”

~ Jonathan Safran Foer
















“There are some dreams that get stuck between your teeth when you sleep, so that when you open your mouth to yawn awake they fly right out of you.”

~ Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts








“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”
~ Dahl, The Twits












“I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry."

~Cat Stevens













“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.”

~Winnie the Pooh




Fin.

Hey I've got a question for you. I want to know what you think is worse:

Believing in something and not standing up for it/not acting upon it,

or

Fiercely denying something you already know, that place deep down that's full of wisdom and intestines, is true?

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