Never Again

“I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot”

~ Marilyn Monroe

Dear Marilyn:

You're quite right. We can't ever repay the debt we owe him. However, lately I've been known to show my appreciation towards people I love by strangling them with their own intestines. They always seem to get how much I care, once I do that – They turn blue with gratitude. Do give me a call if you're interested.

Sincerely,

Danya

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So, folks, I quite obviously wore the heels.

I can't say it was awful, per se.

You be the judge.

30 minutes through the wedding:
My toes felt so scrunched up I worried I'd have to get them amputated.
This just proves my point, really:
Wearing heels is going against nature, and an unnatural position to put your body through.

3 hours through:
I'd stumbled quite often, but both my ankles are fine and unsprained :)

I did have an accident though. Well, two accidents, actually. Not my fault though. Well, the second one wasn't.

Accident #1

I tripped on my own feet (nothing new). I didn't fall, but my right foot's heel went into my left foot and left a deep gash there. It didn't hurt much, though……
Until…
Well, that brings us to Accident #2.

Accident #2

It was time for the buffet, and people were swarming around the salad bar like caged animals that were just set into the wild. This lady bumped into me (and not vice versa, I swear), and her salad-dressing-drenched spoon went flyyyying in the air……
I saw it all happen in slow motion, and I could honestly hear horror music playing in my head…...
Because the spoon was slowly descending…
Downwards…
Downwards……...
Towards my left foot……...
PLINK!
Right on the deep deep gash.

It burned like Dante's Inferno for around 5 minutes. But then I was fine.

5 hours through, at 3 am (welcome to the world of Saudi weddings):

I just couldn't care less. I kicked my heels off and passed out on a couch, jumping awake every 5 minutes when the kids kept throwing water-soaked roses at me.

I wish they didn't like me so much. I should start being mean to them.

Heel or Hell?

I have to go to a wedding tomorrow. And guess what?

I'm going to wear high heels.

And that's exactly what I told my friend.

Danya: Guess what?
Samar: What?
Danya: I'm going to wear heels.
Danya: Well, small heels.
Danya: But heels, nonetheless.
Samar: Noooo you'll trip!

SoI copy/pasted the first part into an MSN conversation with my friend Fati (because I was too lazy to type it again?)

And her reaction was a ":O" and a "Just try not to trip, okay?"

Feeling very discouraged, I went back to my conversation with Samar on Gmail.

Danya: I CAN ACTUALLY WALK IN THEM, OKAY?
Danya: WALK
Danya: AND NOT LOOK LIKE A DUCH
Danya: Ahem
Danya: Duck*
Samar: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Samar: DUUUUUCH
Samar: LMAOOOO

(Ah. Serious bouts of Typose Syndrome. What's one to do?)

So after she was done laughing at me and changing her Facebook status to "Samar salutes Danya the Duch," she again graced me with a loving, "Seriously, just try not to trip."

Man, I need to learn how to walk in heels. Or I will forever remain 73% of a man. (That's what the Facebook quiz I took said, anyway. I normally avoid these quizzes like the plague, but I was bored witless and wanted to see the results. 73% man! I am NOT satisfied!)

What's the point of high heels, really? How do women do it? How do they balance their weight on those tiny pointy little stick things? It just seems to defy gravity, to me.

Not that I'm a big believer in physics, but that's another story.

Once, I was at this party, right. And everyone –EVERYONE!- was wearing those scary sky-high heels, while I pranced around in my lil flats.

So anyway, past midnight, when everyone's feet were sore (except mine :]), they kicked off their heels and chillaxed on the chairs. (Chillaxed. I'm so hip it's scary.)

So anyway. I was all, "Y'all wanna laugh?"
They go, "Sure!"

So I wore one of my friend's high heels and attempted to walk.


But really I could get no further than the spot I was standing in, and I was just swaying there and nearly toppling over. But I kept standing - always a stubborn fighter – attempting to regain my balance – and dignity.

Unfortunately, I eventually lost both.

Do you think people offer How to Walk in High Heels lessons?

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