Friday, October 9, 2009

I am only

Ok so I went to Bahrain. Highlights:

1- They didn't have Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.
They did, however, have The Final Destination… IN 3-D!
I honestly couldn't say no. And I'm glad I didn't. Because it was friggin amazing. It was the goriest one.
Honestly. Before the opening credits have even rolled, you'll already have seen...
#$%#$SPOILER ALERT%^#$$....
Two people being sliced in half… loads of people being crushed by concrete… people being burned alive… poles and broken pieces of wood slicing through people... umm... a tire flying through the air at turbo speed smashing into a girl's head from behind, leaving her lying on the ground with her head all blown up into smithereens…
Look up 'The Final Destination Nadia's death' on YouTube if you're interested… You know you're dying to.

Anyway. You need to get your butt down to the nearest theater to watch it.
The dialogue is awful, the acting is pathetic, but it's awesome. There's just something in me that secretly likes peeking through my fingers and biting my ring to keep from shouting the vile curse words going through my head when I see blood and guts and intestines.

2- Went to the bookstore again.
My copy of Everything is Illuminated hasn't arrived yet -_- Even though it has been 3 weeks! They said it should arrive next week. But in any case. I bought a book called She by H. Rider Haggard; it looks interesting. Then I went to another mall and I went to the same bookstore (different branch) and bought yet another book. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It's an addiction. I'm spending all my Eid money on books.

And now! New novel excerpt.
It's a combination of Leila's character, thoughts I've shared with my cousin, and feelings I think all humans are afraid to let themselves feel sometimes. Here goes.

(random, but i was listening to this while i was writing)
The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight


It is another slap in the face from life that I have morphed into the hermit I am today. I - the social butterfly, seemingly excelling in everything I try – would rather be alone than surrounded by a group of people who say they care, but never in quite the way I want them to.
It is also another slap in the face that I've come to realize I don't like being on my own. I don't like being left forlorn with my thoughts. They take me to places, little nooks and corners in my mind that I really don't want to visit… Or, rather, I'm not ready to yet.
I am a loner who doesn't want to be left alone.

Am I really the only person who feels this way? Or do I share these thoughts with other people... with you, but you are just too afraid to voice them?
I think you should. Voice them. You never know, it might end up like that time when you told your best friend in second grade that you are dying soon, because you have a worm in your eye socket that's been twitching on-and-off for two weeks, and it's probably already made one hundred and three holes in your brain, and she said, No, you silly goose! Those are just your muscles! Twitchy eyes are normal!
No, you silly goose… Feeling empty is normal.

So let me ask you.
Do you ever get the feeling that you just don't want to talk to anybody? You're tired of smiling and laughing at jokes and pretending to be happy, but at the same time, you don't understand why you have to fake being happy in the first place, because, last time you checked, nothing in particular was bothering you?

You tiptoe around life. Hardly anything warrants a reaction from anymore. You stage your smiles, your laughs, your tears, your gasps of shock. Facial expressions become difficult for you to arrange, because you feel (or, rather, not feel) the same way about everything.
You run into your old 3rd grade teacher, and she tells you that she remembers you used to be sad and withdrawn all the time. You start to question your childhood, and whether or not you were ever truly happy. You think long and hard about the last time you had a good, genuine belly laugh that rumbled from the center of your very being and made your insides hum… and it scares you that you can't remember.

You start to hate your friends for seeming so… normal. For talking about TV shows you stopped watching; for giving a crap about their future, when you can't seem to bring yourself to care about yours.
You start to feel as if the world is one big theater, and you are just an inexperienced crew member who's been pushed on stage. You are clumsy and awkward; you stumble everywhere you go. You search endlessly for other people who seem to be out of their element, just like you, because you know that'd make them fit perfectly into your own… But you don't find anyone.
Your edges are jagged, but everyone has been artfully mended at the seams. Everyone is pretending to be someone they're not; fitting into their self-assigned personas, playing roles they think they ought to be playing. They listen to "cool" underground bands that'll make them come off as artistic and cultured, regardless of whether or not they actually like the music. They style their hair a certain way and wear clothes that "express their individuality," as if individuality is some sort of ultraviolet beam that's supposed to radiate from strange clothes and funny-looking haircuts.
You begin to stay away from those people, those actors, because no one can get close to you without tearing themselves up trying to fit into the constellation of your jagged edges - and you don't want to hurt those people, who glide gracefully across the stage, seemingly at peace with the characters they've created.

Despite the emptiness, you want to be alone. People have stopped being comforting, but being alone never was – it isn't supposed to be. And that, in a sense, is comforting: at least one thing in life still makes sense.
At least when you're alone, no one keeps asking you what's wrong. No one will refuse to take "I don't know" for an answer. You keep waiting and hoping for the feeling to pass, so you can finally go back to being yourself again… except, for the life of you, you can't remember who that is.
You pass a dusty car on the road, and you notice the message someone has scrawled on the windshield – "I am only." And instead of wondering, "Only what?" You think to yourself, "That is a complete sentence."

I am, only.


fin! So here's the deal. I'm thinking about discarding the whole novel idea (not that I was seriously considering it in the first place) and just sticking to short pieces and thoughts like these - something my fellow blogger and friend Wuthering made me think about. My plot isn't really shaping up, and I don't think most people would appreciate a "novel" that basically consists of thoughts :P
So, 1- What do you think?
2- Ever seen any of the Final Destination movies? Do you like 'em? Or am I just weird?
Take care, lovely people who still read my strange strange blog.


Organic Meatbag said...

Hehehehe, thanks so much for your comment on my blog, Danya! It's always good to hear from new readers...and yes, definitely check those first 2 songs out...good stuff! Hey, I like your blog too!

JJ said...

This is .. Nothing short of brilliant. Your right. I think most people are too scared to explore these thoughts.
I love the short pieces idea, but I do think you have a good plot. From what you told me anyway.
You keep getting better and better. Promise not to forget about us, de little folks, once your all big and famous ?
And you know what I think about the Final Destination movies -_-
Good luck in school tomorrow ! Im going to miss hanging out with you =( Dont get too busy for me !

Anonymous said...

Fiiiiine i'll comment 8-)

It's very psychological what she's going through =) As you said though it does seem a little laboured but hey! the concept is there! I'm no novel expert though =/ You already know what I think. I can never sum it up in words.

lol Final Destination. To tell you the truth I loved the story of the first and sort of the second one. The third was just simply about dying and the fourth seems even more about that. Watching the video of a couple of their deaths it seemsthe main character is just going "oh dam my best friend died" as opposed to "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!" Yes i'd watch it with you :P but stuff paying 15 bucks in the cinema to see it. I'll save that for Saw 6

Moondust(: said...

*stands up and claps with tears in eyes*
you've finally just let it all pour out for the hideous world to see.
they get to take a peek in your ugly squiggling insides and get to judge. to sit and puke up later in their own living rooms.

i love you. i lose this.
both of you.

Anonymous said...

Break out of that aloneness.

It's fun out here in the world. Visit me at Secret Story Time.

I'm following You now.

Thanks, Secretia

Anonymous said...

1st of all, good for youuu! I WAS going to Bahrain this weekend as well, but ah well. I didn't !!

Regarding the piece; pretty as always. I was really hooked. And Interesting thing mentioning writing pieces, cuz as I can see, you're great at it! Soo, I say keep writing pieces if that's convenient with you!

ladytruth said...

This is my first visit and I think it'll be my first of many ;) Thanks for following my blog!

Kelsie said...

Danya! First up, beautiful writing. really. i like how real it seems. to me anyway..

also, love postal service.

3. I like your fellow blogger's idea of sticking to short pieces.

d. you might be weird, but you're not strange. unless strange is a good thing. cause i think you're made up of good things.

and 5. I really think you should send me some pictures :)

have a lovely saturday

Wuthering said...

There were so many thoughts of yours I would love to quote back to you. I won't (THIS TIME).

I don't want to go into too much detail but, wish to admit my twin and I one day looked at one another after hanging out with friends that always seemed to laugh for hours on end.

We were crushed because our abusive household made it so hard to laugh when inside we were about to cry.

-just felt inspired to share :)

Love you Danya!

Sharon McPherson: AUTHOR / ARTIST said...

The blog is a great forum for short pieces, like yours ... It's brilliant, you definitely must publish more.

It's true what you say - I think everyone feels it at some point. It's human.

But not everyone talks about it, so you should. That's good enough reason for a novel. :)

Feelmore said...

"Facial expressions become difficult for you to arrange, because you feel (or, rather, not feel) the same way about everything."


by the way, your writing has such a clear voice, i really enjoy reading it. i like the idea about bits and pieces and i feel like plots are overrated.

you could publish a book of character sketches and i'd read...

Ghost Writer said...

Sigh...I've missed your posts! Life has been so hectic, have barely had the chance to write, let alone read.

Firstly, I'd LOVE for you to write a full blown novel, and I think that as a talented writer, you should push yourself to that level. You write beautifully, we all see that.. but now you need to see if you have the dedication to weave your words into a novel with in-depth characters, great storyline, hidden messages, fluid dialogue.. That will be the real challenge for you. So in my humble opinion, I think you should work on your plot and write the novel that will challenge you and develop you as a writer. Posting excerpts here and there is just too easy for someone of your calibre, Danya!!!

Secondly.... Why Bahrain? Why not Dubai where they have been showing meatballs for the past 2 weeks! And I'm sure I've seen copies of Everything is Illuminated in Borders :P

Final Destination was hilarious.. I haven't seen the third, but thought I'd watch the fourth for fun. As a movie, it was ridiculous but entertaining nevertheless.

Okay I've written enough I think!

Sara said...

DANYA! I LOOOOOOVED the "New novel excerpt."! Like seriousslyyy!! it makes sooooo much sense!!!
Pleassee write a book full of thoughts! I'd read it over and over.. and over again!
And yes I saw all the final destination movies except the last 3D 1 :p I liked the first 1, it was deep and had meaning, then in 2,3.. ad 3D.. it just got more disgusting and meaningless. It's still cool though.
I say watch the saw series! they're bloody, disgusting but smart and makes u think about stuff :P

Samar said...

I'll seriously kill you if you take chemical engineering only in college. If you don't study writing with that, I'll kill you with my bare hands. (I was gonna say "promise"). Elzibda, you're AWESOME. Remember my threat when you go to Harvard....

Samar said...

And I told you I'll comment later. I wouldn't forget your blog even if I'm extremely super busy :]

thegildedpestle said...

You! Okay, yes, major creeping on my part. But this: no one can get close to you without tearing themselves up trying to fit into the constellation of your jagged edges, yes yes indeed. Here's what I think.
1) MORE.
2) There's no reason a novel has to be a completely linear progression; a novel can be composed of vignettes that are woven together in any manner you please.
3) There's nothing wrong with internal monologue. Hell, what you've got here could serve as a perfectly awesome introduction to a story with all this thinking and chewing over happening in the blink of an eye prior to a simple decision (getting in a car, replying to a hello etc). Also the inner world just needs to be explored in the outer world.
4) I encourage novelling. Fiercely.
5) MORE.
- Moi.